It had to happen . I did a dandelion , as the French say ; I had a pis -en- lit

It had to happen sooner of later . BUT ... I was prepared 

First night back from the hospital , I slept really well in my own bed but rose at dawn in a wet bed and wet nighty ;-)  LOL . 

Good job I was prepared and had protected the mattress  

I was trying a technique used at the hospital , attaching night bag of the catheter onto day bag of catheter. Now , the only problem is , that when the day bag gets too full it it detaches from 'source' and lo and behold wetness ! 

Good job I have a laundry time .Now I am busy busy busy bee 

Back home again

Back home now. 

Came home on the bus . Amazing , isn't it ? Quite proud of myself really . 

Stopped by at the hospital pharmacy to pick up a prescription 'to soothe the lining of the stomach ' . OMPEPRAZOL  PENSA 20 mg one a in the morning for 7 days during the first week of a cycle. 

BETAPRED . 0,5 mg 16 tiny pills in the morning , day 2, then 16 and then 8 .

The drugs that they are pumping into me target the bad guys but unfortunately also take out some of the good guys. Restoring harmony within seems to be a tricky business. They seem to take pride in getting the alchemy just right. Inspiring . what can you do but trust the process ??? 

Not trusting the process seems to be a more difficult option but, I think it pays to ask questions and check .

The body is good at recovering too . Last week my platelets were down to 70 , now they are over 200. Doctor Johan explained that if a healthy person were to take a plethora of tests , some , perhaps 25%  r more would be considered to be below par ... but ... good news is that they are constantly changing and recovering to restore harmony and we have to see THE BIG PICTURE .


How do I feel ?  I feel like I am suffering from jet lag !

They call this a "Christmas Tree"

Gemsar and cisplatin plus other stuff designed to flush out stuff that is not needed . The bag in red contains light sensitive chemicals . All the bags and bottles are attached to a computer which is set to regulate the flow. Some take and hour , some half an hour. All the bottles have to be done in a certain order and monitored by staff and the computer . If the computer starts to make funny noises , I press a red alert button and they all come running and start checking the equipment and pressing buttons on the computer. All one does as a patient is be patient , lie back and think of the empire or other more pleasant things , like catching up with events on social media or daydreaming or chatting to visitors or anyone who happens to be there.  One trust s the process and the staff seem to enjoy a good chat in passing, It doesn't hurt .

My week off ends tomorrow and second cycle of chemo begins

It was good to have a week off . It was filled with visits from friends and family. I have learned that The Universe abhors a vacuum , so when I leave a space , it always gets filled and it's always a surprise.

Today started early. A cold and dull day. By 10 am I was at the hospital leaving the usual blood tests before a chemo session. There were lots of people there so a bit of a wait and the a cup of tea and breakfast in the cafe. Brought my own sandwich with me this time , Went to check in at 11 and found that my counsellor ( Kurator ) and Oncology Doctor's appointment were both down for 2 pm . What to do with 3 hours to spare ? Decided to walk home ( exercise ) and then make my way back after lunch.

It was good to have my counsellor with me as I want her to know what is going on with me. The doctor told me that my platelet count was good and was up from 70 to over 200 . Excellent recovery after the dip. Results for the liver were down, but , since that sometimes happens after chemo , nothing to get het up about . Lungs, blood pressure , tummy were all fine. Fatigue is a side effect of the chemo the doc said . I am feeling very tired and finding it hard to think and focus . Had a nap when I got home , made something to eat and then another nap. Must also be the physical exercise; I walked home from the hospital. 

I've had a hot bath now , watched Emmerdale and now forced myself to blog. My mind's a blank . Great for meditation but less great for writing something that makes sense and describing what is going on.

Will set the alarm for 6 am now and go to bed .

Thank you for reading .
Night night all.,,, love and hugs  xxxx

Hemp Oil - High CBD - Available

 



So... what about this cbd oil ? 

A powerful healing agent that cures cancer cells ? 

Panache Desai - Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview

So .

Short hair day

Why wait till it's all gone ?

My hairdresser ,Gina , cut away most of the dead and dull hair.

It's never been quite this short before .

Letting go of more hair

Yep ... I'm really losing it.
Moulting
Clothes and pillow covered in hair .

Apparently , not only chemo can make hair fall out , so can autumn .

" ...and so can going on a diet or drinking too much tea

Read more:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2047601/Why-autumn-make-womens-hair-fall--going-diet-drinking-tea.html#ixzz3GnH0G8LA

I'm going to the hairdresser's tomorrow to get it all cut off...short .... not shaved .

Afternoon 'fika' - tea , buns and homemade bread

Today , Johanna , Elliot and 5 week old Rufus stopped by for afternoon tea.
Elliot arrived first , having come up in the lift all on his own , carrying a bag of sticky cinnamon buns.
Mamma Johanna and Rufus followed suite ( it's a tiny old lift )
We polished off the sticky buns and some of my homemade bread , fresh out of the oven .
Rufus too had worked up quite an appetite and was fed till he had room for no more.

Thank you . You really brightened my day, darlings !

*mwaaaaaah*

Hair

Starting to lose it :-(

Sunday is turning out to be a dumping day .

I can see a pattern forming.
Sundays start with several visits to the loo and then diarrhoea .
Dumping and purging all that is no longer needed.
Mind you , it is all quite a pain in the arse ... quite literally lol

Blessings

Touched by an Angel by Maya Angelou 

 cont:- Touched by an Angel by Maya Angelou

Neighbours Zach and Richard lend me their juicer 

Beetroot , carrot and orange cocktail 

Chances are, you’ve listened to others for too long.

Chances are, you’ve listened to others for too long. The more you listen to your inner voice, the more you can give yourself the love, kindness, and understanding that only you know you need. 

-- Louise Hay 

How am I feeling today ?

Woke up feeling quite happy today . 
I did dream last night , but all I can remember is that it was about writing a letter. If it is important it will pop up again. 

Funny thing this business of feelings. A whole day after the chemo on Tuesday , I can't say what I was feeling. Feeling a bit flat. Neutral. Void of feeling. Perhaps a little disappointed that I wasn't feeling anything special. I wonder if this is how psychopaths are. They can't feel emotions, can they ?  Maybe I was in touch with my inner psychopath or perhaps it was the chemo killing emotions ? Who knows. Thankfully it didn't last long .

My inner guidance guided me to Leonard Cohen and John Lennon . John Lennon 'Gimme some truth ... all I want is the truth '  felt so appropriate . 

“I'm sick and tired of hearing things

From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics

All I want is the truth

Just gimme some truth”

John Lennon  is addressing my inner state of mind , my density . Funny how it all works out. When I am unable to articulate in words what is going on , then I get guided to someone who can. Yesterday I started feeling a shift in my state of mind 

The first thing that hit me was the importance and need to commit to my experience as it IS Committing to WHAT IS instead of what I think it SHOULD be .Thank you Panache Desai 

I want HONESTY , I want the TRUTH , but maybe I can’t handle the truth ... yet ? 

I am aware that I am not being honest with myself , not authentic ( although the fact that I am writing this means perhaps , that I am being honest ) This is what I am feeling /thinking now given the information I have received.
Disappointed that " nothing seems to turning me on ",
Feeling flat .
Absence of highs and lows .
Breathing . Existing . Being. Not judging .

But here I am now , writing and expressing

Here's a TRUTH : 

“ COMMIT TO YOUR EXPERIENCE AS IT IS and NOT as YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE “ 

“

Be discerning , Mara 

“No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky

Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me

With just a pocketful of soap”

( love this bit ) 

How quickly moods change 

BODY :  The itching on belly, boobs , underarms and around top of thighs  is a nuisance, but bearable . I'm also losing a little more hair thank usual. Feeling less tired. 

MIND :  Active , but also still . 

Now for another cup of tea .

John Lennon - Gimme Some Truth (Lyrics)

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/aDDJeM5R4PM


Sent from my iPad

Primperan and Postafen

Fortunately , nausea has not been a problem so far and long may it stay that way.

Having said that , I do remember that on days 1 - 3 , I was given some cortisone which sent my mind racing while body was relaxed and limp. 

These two , Primperan and Postafen were given to me in case of nausea , but I've not needed to take them. 

Primperan , 10mg - not when I have diarrhoea 

Postafen , 25 mg for nausea after chemo

Slept well last night from midnight till 08:30 and spent morning philosophising , waking up , being in silence and Facebooking. In short , following my bliss .

Brunch 12 noon 

On to me second cuppa tea now :-) 

love love love .............

Listen to your body ( louise hay )

Let’s affirm: I listen with love to my body’s messages. Love, 8 Ways to Listen for What Your Body Wants by Louise Hay, Ahlea Khadro and Heather Dane Intuition or your inner voice is there to support you in moving toward your highest good. While symptoms are just one way your body speaks to you, there are many other ways your body or your life could speak to you. Additionally, each person is different when it comes to how they get these signals. Here are some ways your inner guidance may signal you: Feelings Some people refer to them as “gut feelings,” or getting a “bad vibe” or a “good vibe.” You may not know what the feeling exactly is, though: it could be very vague, like something that just feels bad, uncomfortable, or “not right”; or wonderful, uplifting, or “right.” Emotions Similar to feelings are emotions, yet to some, they have subtle differences. You may experience an emotion that seems to come out of the blue. Perhaps you have thought of something or someone right before that emotion came up. Or maybe you walked into a place and felt the emotion. While emotions, like symptoms, feel as if they’re really ours, remember to check to see how this emotion is speaking to you. It may be telling you that something is or is not aligned to your greater good. Years ago, for instance, Heather was walking along and suddenly felt depressed. Her first thought was, I haven’t been depressed in years, so why am I feeling this way? As she tuned in, she realized that it was not her emotion—it had come from a woman she’d just passed, who was sitting on the porch and talking on the phone. Heather sensed some things about this woman and her life and sent her the energy of love. The depression immediately went away. At that point, Heather began to think about all the years she had depression, wondering what really belonged to her and what she was picking up from others. As you can see, if we don’t learn to tell the difference, we can be caught up in or hold on to emotions that are not ours. ESP Extra sensory perception is a category of intuitive abilities that includes telepathy (the ability to read people’s thoughts), clairvoyance (the ability to see what is happening somewhere else), precognition (the ability to predict the future), retrocognition (the ability to see things that happened in the past), psychometry (the ability to touch something and pick up information), and mediumship (the ability to channel spirits).1 Symptoms This could be any physical sensation, such as tingling, chills, fatigue, energy, pain, “pit in the stomach,” aches, lightness, and so forth. One of the easier ways to notice this is to see how you feel when you’re with different types of people. Notice if you feel normal (that is, as you usually do), energized (or uplifted), or drained. If you consistently feel drained with certain people and you look more closely at how you feel about them, you may find that they are not right for you. Some teachers refer to these people as “energy vampires.” We like to think of them as not being aligned to what you need in your life. Thoughts Sometimes you may think of something and it’s actually your intuition guiding you. An example of this is when Heather first started recovering from bulimia, she would notice that she’d think of food when she wasn’t feeling physically hungry. She judged this as old, disordered eating behavior, as if she “could not stop thinking about food.” Within a week of watching her thoughts around this, she realized that within 30 minutes of having a thought about food, her blood sugar dropped so drastically that she was in blood-sugar emergency. At that point, her body was so hungry that it felt like no amount of food could solve the hunger. Overeating can be very common as a way to get the body back into comfortable balance when blood sugar has gotten too low. What was happening is that Heather’s digestive system hadn’t healed enough for her body to get the right signals of hunger at the right times. A bloating in her small intestine sent a signal of fullness when her stomach was actually hungry. What she realized is that her body was compensating for her digestive issues by using her thoughts to send the “time to eat!” signal. She began to eat when she’d think of food, and this worked beautifully until her digestive system healed. See, our bodies love us! When we judge the signals we’re getting as “wrong” or “bad,” we lose the opportunity to allow our bodies to guide us to better health. Words Louise has always been incredible at listening to the words people use and understanding how they play out in their thoughts and beliefs. She has seen the relationship between how they speak and how things happen in their lives. Listening to the words you use, along with the words other people use, is another way you may get an intuitive hit on what is working or not working for you. For example, do you find yourself saying things like “This is so hard,” “I can’t stand this,” “The body starts breaking down at the age of 40,” or “They’ll never accept me”? If you’re saying things like this, it may be time to look at your belief systems and see how you can change them so that you can love yourself more. So remember to use loving words—your body is listening. Listening to your words, using affirmations, and doing mirror work can help shift the thoughts you think and the words you use into more loving ones. Dreams For some people, signals come in dreams. Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that dreams tapped into the unconscious mind. According to some researchers, he may have been right. In one study, amnesiacs with no conscious memory of their past would have memories of their past when they dreamed. Studies like this have led scientists to believe that when dreaming, we are accessing parts of our brain that we don’t often use in our waking lives.2 If you’re unsure of what steps to take in your life, ask yourself before bed to have a dream about the next best step you can take. Another great way to work with your dreams is to write them down when you wake up and ask yourself what meaning they have for you. There are many books on dream interpretations that you can use if you want to learn more. At the same time, make sure you practice paying attention to these interpretations so that you can learn the language of your dreams. Patterns Some people get signals through recurring events: Perhaps someone tells you about a book they love, then two more people tell you about it. This kind of pattern could be a signal to check out the book. Or maybe you keep having the same experience over and over again, but in different situations. Notice the patterns that keep happening in your life, whether they’re circumstances that occur, things people keep telling you, or situations you keep finding yourself in. These are signals that can help you take action in your life. Footnotes: Harris, Tom. “How ESP Works.”HowStuffWorks.com. 3 Sept 2002. Web. 14 Feb 2014. Science Channel. “Are dreams a window into our unconscious?”Curiosity.com. n.d. Web. 23 Feb 2014. Loving Yourself to Great Health Find out more about Louise, Ahlea and Heather’s new book and get their 7-step guide on how to eat, think and love your way to great health as well as a free recipe for Vanilla Spice Ice Cream. If you order Loving Yourself to Great Health by November 30th, you also get 2 bonus gifts. More details »

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Thrombocytopenia

11:55. It appears that my thrombocytes , ie  platelets are sticking together and refusing to be counted. Like me , they have a mind of their own , little feckless . This is the fourth test that has been whizzed off to the lab .

1. They're treating me to lunch .....yay ... Lol 

Well , I'm finally done for the day .

My platelet count was 70  , which is too low for the full dose of chemo . I instead they have me half the dose , which is fine by me . 

Now I have 14 days off before the next cycle of chemo , starting on 28th October . 

Good to be home again .

At the hospital waiting for chemo . 14 Oct 2014

11:15. At the hospital waiting for my treatment
Nurse rang me at home this morning , 7:30 am to say that one of my blood tests was messed up and that I need to take it again before my treatment at 9 am .
Ok ….. So off I go to the lab and find dozens of people ahead of me . They agree to let me jump the queue so I can get to chemo in time .
I arrive five minutes late , but there is no rush . Test results are still not in,
A while later the nurse arrives and tells me that even this test is not right . The thrombocytes are clumped together so cannot be counted . They gave to draw blood again . A couple of hours later I am still waiting to begin chemo . Just saline solution  for me in the meantime .

Stop press ..... Nurse tells me that third test is still not ok and will try a different test . Happens sometimes . I must ne an alien lol


9° Mostly Cloudy
Jägargatan, Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden

Sent from my iPad

Busy day

Didn't want to get up when the alarm went at 8 am
Started the day with a beautiful 21 minute meditation .
Some sadness and tears , but very beautiful.
Time whizzes by with me going around in circles like a zombie
By 09 :57 , on the direct bus to the hospital . They don't run very often , so I was lucky to get a ride straight there.
10:15 Bloods at the lab .
Cup of tea and a sandwich at the hospital cafe - daylight robbery at 50kr , but needs must . I'd not had time for breakfast.
11:00 Counselling. Compassion is important . Compassion towards self as well as others. Being gentle with oneself is something we all need to learn.

12:00 Walk home and lunch with Maarja
14:00  Visitors : Elliot , Rufus and Johanna

I get to hold Rufus , 1 month old today.

Rufus has an 'aha' moment 

                                                                         JOY 

Night night ....   early start tomorrow