So far so good

18:00 It's been a busy day here at Sös in my very own room with a view , bathroom and room service 😃🐧 and crescent moon in a pale blue sky.

Meds: something for the nausea  and alvedon ( paracetamol )

Tried to email , but for some reason emails land in outbox and don't get through.  Annoying , Problems also when I try to watch Emmerdale and Holby City on film on.com.

The night before chemo

Hiya Bladder Blog and readers !

I've been awake since 3 am .
Washed dishes and made cup of tea
Soothing
Pre chemo anxiety.probably
Tummy upset.
Bleeding into the catheter bag. Not unusual , but still a concern as mind starts making up stories and saying : " see.. proof that that something is amiss ".

" Flippin heck " another voice chimes in " what are you like , you big girl's blouse . You will be fine , Stop being so melodramatic "

Subpersonalities, the people inside us are such fun !

My healing oracle says :
" Stop resisting . Embrace the changes in your life. Release what you no longer need, and welcome the seeds of new experience "

On Facebook I happen to see Panache's post:

Panache Desai:
"Moving into abundance means counting your blessings -- even the events, people or afflictions that don't look like blessings."



YES , I believe this , and this belief is certainly being put to the test right now.

I am facing my demons .
I've feared getting cancer, but more than cancer and dying , I've feared chemo and the thought of poison being injected into my body, which does not make sense . The demon is staring me in the face now. So what do I do ? Run ? No . Not an option. I am determined to face this demon knowing that somehow only good will come of it . Feel the fear and do it anyway. Embrace it. Think of it as sending in a task force to do a clean up and get rid of all that is no longer required... a bit like using the steam mop on the kitchen and bathroom floor.

Thank you dear readers and Penny , Dace and Margaret and Ninghal  , for your emails  I love you and your loving support . Will reply soon,

Now for a little more sleep ..... peace zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

First visit to Oncology

    The serious stuff starts now .

Alexander and Monica came with me for support .
Elliot and Alexander, who were on their way to preschool happened to get on the same bus as me.

Lovely surprise .

Elliot was shy, silent and a little taken aback not expecting grandma to be on the bus so early in the morning, seeing them both made me feel happy inside; a good omen and a good start.

Had a few minutes to myself at the hospital , waiting for Alex and Monica to arrive .
First , we met my nurse , Elin and then the doctor , Agneta  who was very nice, was present , explained things carefully , listened and answered our questions .
I'm to have three rounds of chemo ( Cisplatin and Gemzar ) starting next week, each round is 28 days
Round one starts on Tuesday , 08:30 am , 30th September and involves an overnight stay in hospital.

The following sessions for round one are on 8th October and 15th October.

Blimey.
I'm new to this.

Never liked the idea of chemo ; the thought poison being pumped into my body has never been very appealing. I've dreaded it and always said I would refuse , but now that it is here , staring me in the face as part of " THE WICKED PLAN "  I am prepared and willing to submit.

I have decided to go along with 'The Plan' and intend to enter into this wholeheartedly.
After all ,  " what doesn't kill you , only makes you stronger ".

Let's see how it goes.
Bring it on.
Affirming : I am in good hands and everything is unfolding in divine order.
My job is to relax , breathe and allow the destruction and rebuilding to take place.

So, if you happen to be reading this , please send love light and good vibes to me during these chemo sessions and recovery day.  Thank you , thank you , thank you .

Gregg Braden - Quantum Healing of Tumour thru the Power of Thought & Fee...

I think this is very interesting.
More than flesh and blood , we are energy and consciousness.
Keeping an open mind .

Kidney function tests took all day yesterday

Tests to check state of Kidneys at Huddinge hospital yesterday took all day but went well. Quite and enjoyable experience , all things considered . 

( BOTHER ) Worst part was getting up early , braving wind rain and cold.  Took the tube to Masmo and then the bus to Huddinge . Had to ask a passer by for directions to the bus stop. Lack of signs . 

Some delays on arrival as the previous patient had bled excessively when they tried to draw blood !!!   Unforeseen circumstances leading to delays ( BOTHER )   Good that my friend Rashid had kindly agreed to keep me company so we could chat to pass the time from 10:00 - 15:30 . Five hours chatting and waiting together with a good friend was very therapeutic in itself.. ( BLESSING)   The person who administered the test was also friendly and very human - not a robot . It is always a pleasure to meet 'human ' caregivers . (BLESSING) 

I have good veins, nurses keep telling me . A BLESSING  that facilitates the pain free drawing of blood . * proud smile *  I am grateful for small mercies . 

More bloods  at Vårdcentralen today . 

Rang SÖS to find out more about doctor's appointment at the Oncology department at SÖS on Thursday, 25/9 ,  it's purpose and what to expect .

BOTHER  : Contacting responsible people is NOT always easy ,  Everyone has telephone times. When you call a given number a recorder voice instructs you to choose alternatives . On choosing contact with caregiver the robot voice informs me that " our quota of calls is full . call again to morrow . " BOTHER  grrrrrrrrrr  

In other news - It's  a really raw and nippy 6C outside ,

Technical difficulties at local pharmacy had us all waiting for a long time as the computerised system was on a go slow and refused to print out receipts and complete transactions. *Yawn *  Excellent opportunity for short meditation. Acceptance . Breathe ....relax .... receive . 

Equinox energy thoughts

I've been in Equinox energies  since 6 am this morning . 

" Something has to die for something to be born "

Spent nearly  six hours 'dying'  and playing with facing the idea of death and dying ; a sort of magnificent melancholy , so sad and yet OH SO BEAUTIFUL allowing all thoughts and feelings, even the morbid ones . Breathing. Allowing without censoring but in danger of romanticising, perhaps. So sue me LOL . Hopefully , I am beginning to let go of something . The dying, perishing and purging of what is no longer required.... This , dear souls reading this ,   is so EMPOWERING . 

At the minute I am on a high. No drugs or alcohol involved,  trusting the process and listening to the whispers of my soul .

INSIGHT: Trying to capture thoughts as they whizz by is like trying to hold on to running water with bare hands . Slippery and wriggly , won't keep still. Free . Refusing to be captured, examined and dissected x "free as running water " yes, Leonard Cohen , Thank you, ( insert track from " death of a ladies man LP ) and then QUEEN , Freddie Mercury " Bismillah let me go ... magnifico Bohemian Rhapsody .

INSIGHT :Kali and Shakti . Destruction precedes breakthrough . What is waiting on the other side ?

INSIGHT : Working through stuff.  Journalling , for me cannot be linear , I've realised . It has to be like a mind map or collage . not just words typed out on a computer,,, no .. journalling , the process has to be MULTIDIMENSIONAL too, just as we are multidimensional beings and this includes sharing, interacting 

INSIGHT : There is BEAUTY in everything , even the morbid and the putrid, decaying, painful and smelly . Oh so BEAUTIFUL

Thank you for being here with me everyone  

I thank you , our teacher , Panache Desai and everyone in our group for this 21 day immersion. ALL brave and beautiful  souls in this 21 day journey . Thank you . I love you . 

I don't want this to end , but I know it will but it will live on in another form , whatever that might be. 

Will there be more 21 days ? 

 I want our teacher and friend Panache Desai to come to Sweden and hold a workshop here .

Thank you , thank you , thank you ,

Conflicting thoughts

Today , I am aware of a raging battle of conflicting thoughts inside my head.

Digging my heels in - I refuse to give up gluten and dairy .
The very suggestion "you should " or you "must " makes me roar inside with anger .
 No no no !
I picture the consequences of what this implies to my life;  quality of life and socialising with friends .
Besides, I argue, imposing this change in diet does not guarantee a return to health or a cure for cancerous tumours. Yes , it has worked for some , but it's not for me.
Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face ??? Probably. I hear my defiance. I am furious . Yes it is a well meaning suggestion , " for your own good " but who says ??? Is it really true ? Grrrr.

At the same time I am aware that lurking behind this trigger there is something of value, something I am not prepared to see yet . What could it be ?

Just before falling asleep last night I read Wayne Dyer's 10 Ways to Peace. Chapter 1 : Stay Open .  and I agreed to stay open , to keep an open mind and not to judge .  Easier said than done ..hahaha

"Stay open" says Panache too . I am willing to stay open but I need help past my anger and defiance.
*sighs*
bloody hard this !!!!

Journalling my feelings brought up a lot of STUFF :  tears , anger , defiance , frustration . Breathed and let feelings surge up and out . 

Rewarding myself by snacking on crisps. Naughty , but nice 

Bath and bed .

Vitamin D is better than ANY vaccine and increases the immune system by ...

Interesting. A friend sent me this today 
Only last night I was listening to Dr Wayne Dyer saying " Keep an open mind " 
I already take Vitamin D during the winter and find it helps. Started taking it again a  week ago .

Recovering

Recovering nicely .

Op went well , I 'm told though i won't  know details until later .

I am so happy they put me under so I could sleep through it all . 

Woke up happy and comfortable in the recovery room where I stayed with all " the machines that go ' BING '

Thank you , Dace for your comment , I tried to reply but not sure if I succeeded. Writing this now on my IPad around 4 am ,.... So might not be making much sense ...

Thank you and all my wonderful friends for amazing good vibes , love and support . 

Much love xxx maraxxx

My sister's suggestions .

My sister's suggestions : 

Ask the doctor to draw simple diagrams and flow charts for you to explain some of the complex issues. It is much simpler and to my mind, far more effective and easier to understand than listening to words alone and taking notes.

You know the type of chart I mean. The one where there is the central topic = in your case the TURB = with arrows and options leading up to it and ones leading out of it. Further arrows, treatments and options with "If this happens go here and if this is the result go there".

The second piece of advice to you would be, take two people with you if necessary. One person to empathise with you and take care of the weepy moments and another who is less detached, who is rational, objective and who can ask challenging questions on your behalf and if necessary, take brief notes themselves.

If all your friends are too emotionally attached themselves to be the 'rational' one, then there might be someone available from the Health Service you could utilise or from a charity. Ask your GP or hospital staff about what services are available. I do not know the system in Sweden and I do not speak the language so it is difficult for me to gather such information. *

* I am learning about the Swedish system as I go along , and I must say it is not easy . Four hospitals are involved in my case. I have 'a team ' but so far it has been extremely difficult to pin someone down to explain test results and the BIG PICTURE.  My intention is ,  by hook or by crook , to pin a consultant down and arrange a meeting after this TURB operation. I will make sure that a couple of friends are there with me ,

TURB tomorrow

Going in to SÖS for my TURB cystoscopy .( Transutheral Bladder Resection  ) 
Fasting from midnight onwards
Nothing to drink from 6am
Have to be at the hospital 10:30 , but the exact time of the operation is not known

TURB using a Cystoscopy

The Cystoscopy is the 'keyhole' instrument which is used to perform the operation. There are two basic types.

There are two main purposes for the TURB.

1. To remove any visible tumours, together with a slither of good surrounding tissue (This is to ensure that all the diseased tissue has been removed).

2. To take biopsies (samples) or scrapes from other parts of the bladder and/or the urethra to send to the lab for examination.

The bladder is flushed to get rid of any remaining debris and usually a catheter is fitted. This stays in place until the bladder has healed so that blood and urine can be expelled.

The samples taken are sent to the lab for tests to find out the extent (or non-extent) of the damage etc.

I hope the anaesthetising goes well. Last time ,18/7 ,  I had a spinal anaesthetic , and it took them several goes to get it right . It was very painful and I cried a lot. It wasn't at all like that in January , 20/1 when I had my hysterectomy. The team were a lot kinder and gentler. Can't help feeling anxious. Wish me look and please send good vibes . Thank you. 

Everything happening at once. Grandchild number 2 is also making it clear that he/she will be arriving soon . We may all end up at the same hospital . Our angels are going to be busy . 

In other news, I did my duty and voted in the Swedish elections .  Polls closed at 20:00 tonight. 

All for now ..... ta ta for now . 

 

. 

Happy Feet - Dance with Mumble

Feeling the boat rocking

Cystoscopy examination and chat with the consultant at Karolinska  this morning was more than I bargained for. Again , lots to take in . I wish I had brought someone with me , but didn't realise I was going to get more info . I feel my boat rocking .

Shed a few tears , proud to say .  I'm really committed to embracing what is ; fears and tears.

The consultant examined me, but as it was so difficult to insert the instrument , he said it would be best left to the Cystoscopy TurB operation on Monday , 15/ 9 , under a full anaesthetic when they can prod , poke and scrape as much as they like .

It was the mention of chemo that got me , a Cisplatin + Gemsar combo . The previous  consultant had said one , max two  and now this one was saying 3.  I didn't ask - what does 'three ' mean ? Three treatments or cycles ? I''m new to this . I don't know what that looks like  so hence fear and panci stepping in.  Started to google , but that only made things worse. Best to have this chat with a consultant .

BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER !!!!!

BOTHER , BOTHER , BOTHER 

Meeting my soul sisters later . I really need to feel their Anam Cara energies right now .

In the meantime http://youtu.be/s0liQAocT9s

Morning thoughts

Good morning Bladder Blog
Good morning Ureblad
May all sentient beings be well happy and peaceful .

Love Pema Chadron 's message :
ARE YOU WILLING TO BE  GENTLE WITH YOURSELF ?

To work with our fear and fearlessness is a way to work with ourselves and to help the world .
One of the best tools for working with fear , to lead to fearlessness,  is gentleness .
( Pema Chadron, on Facebook )

Quite an intensive night of dreams and dreaming . Images the go *poof * on waking , while the feeling or trace of impression remain . Must have been working through something.

Awake 03:00 - 4:00 am , guided to Byron Katie on YouTube
http://youtu.be/b-WQhpyQ4J4

"There are two ways to live your life , one is stressed out , the other is not "   - BK


09:30 Some blood in the catheter . A clot or scab or something. Fascinating the things that the body produces. Fascinating to see . I imagine  that it is the rubbish, the waste that is  being discarded by the bladder. I am observing it with the curiosity and detachment of a scientist in the lab. Oddly no anxiety  or fear .

Piles

Haemorrhoids are a real pain in the arse .
There
I've said it .
Better already :-)

Looking for a name

Remember seeing on  Holby city a rather wacky woman, a bit like me ,  who had a cancerous tumour and decided to call it " Thomas ".

What a good idea. So, I've decided to find a name for my tumour .

So far,  I've come up with Ureblad .

More than flesh and blood, I believe I am energy . I am a vibrational being. I am a soul in a human costume. I like to think of Ureblad  as simply a thought,  that I have been told has manifested in the physical. Thoughts can come and go.

Some thoughts :

Nice to meet you Ureblad
What are you doing here in my bladder ?
What's your purpose ?
What's your mission ?
My understanding is that you are a cluster of cells with a consciousness.
I am addressing your consciousness
I'd like to see you on your way again,
What will it take for you to leave ?
All human beings like to be seen and heard - do you like to be seen and heard ?
I see you now
I am listening .
Talk to me .


Talk to me !

Keeping up with appointments

Good  morning Bladder Blog and friends ,
Sun is still shining , but it's a bit misty and cold
Woke 07:30 am *yawn*  mind spinning with things to do and check. No rest before I do. Of only it was possible to dial a number and get the person concerned . Instead , recorded voice directs via pressing different numbers. Takes a while to talk to real person .

Keeping up with appointments , dates , times and 'to do list ' is tricky. A lot to keep track of.
Medical staff can contact me on the phone , out of the blue , when I don't have my diary or pen and paper at hand . I've even started taking my mobile phone in to the loo.
Two hospitals are involved : Karolinska ( KS ) and Södersjukhuset  ( SÖS ) and a third one , Huddinge was mentioned a few weeks ago by Oncologist , Mi ( sp ? ) on the phone . M . said they needed to check kidney function before the chemo treatment , This would be at Huddinge hospital 9/9 and that  I would be sent a note, but no note has arrived. So today ,

 I managed to get hold of M. Oncology , just now who is going to check . YAY :-)

Two appointments await this week.
Cystoscopy at KS ,  09:00  on Thursday
Huddinge , 9/9 ?  to check kidney function
Bloods at Lab, local clinic , for Cystoscopy TurB at SÖS  15/9  called a " second look " operation, involves spinal anaesthetic ( OUCH last time 18/7 ) and overnight stay at SÖS.

21 minute meditation with Panache Desai ,  07:45 , helped me get calm and centred . 21 minutes flew by . Peace.

Stream of consciousness .....getting things off my chest

I am so excited
Must get this down before I burst
Picture a balloon ... blowing ... inflating ... inflating and then letting go ... brrrrrzzzzzzzzzzz it whizzes around all over the place
That's me
Yesterday , pushing , struggling , forcing .... pushing the river and getting nowhere
Suffering
Dense emotions without labels
Remember Jan D story of pushing the car that won't start up the hill whereas Panache would simply get in the car , turn the key and off he goes
I can so relate to Jan's version
Pushing the river
That's me
My guarding angel standing beside me shaking her head  " Let her have this experience . She has to learn . Poor thing. It's the only way to learn . .... "
I was up until 3 a.m. last night
Tossing and turning .. drifting in and out of sleep
The gap between how I want things to be and how they are seems huge
*sighs*
I go on line and learn that my childhood friend has suddenly tragically lost his son .
The most devastating sad news any parent can have
Heartbreaking
We have not been in touch so I'd no idea .. but I feel so sorry for his loss.
Sadness
Grief
I've landed again in heaviness
I finally fall asleep
The moon , nearly full is shining into my room and energising my dreams
Something to do with 'tautas terpi ' - Latvian national costume . My past . The costume needs changing . Alterations to skirt and shirt .
Some friends are arriving - I place table mats and plates on the table . We need to talk
*sigh*
Return to the awareness of the breath
10 am this morning . Sun is shining . I wake up all excited . Happy even .
Something in me has SHIFTED  and it feels good
I rush to the loo
Check FB  and Ivar's comment pops up
I comment
Feeling like a whirling Dervish with ah ha moment popping like popcorn in me
Excitement
Energy ,,, strong energy hard to contain in my my body
Like an inflated balloon that has been released I whizz around in space until I land , deflated

Summing up :

- 3 positive things today:

-1. Woke up with an 'Ahaaa ' feeling. Lightbulb moments .A SHIFT .  Something has shifted in me.
2. Sun is still shining brightly 3. Excited and looking forward to what this day has to bring 

- My dream last night;  its messages from the subconscious about my Latvian costume past that needs to be reviewed. I no longer fit into that costume. I haven't kept up with that world.  A sense of loss , but it is  what it is. Something has to die for something to be born
- " If you want to effect substantial change in your life experience, you must think thoughts that feel different as you think them."- Abraham /Hicks
- I have been pushing the river
_ I love this ENERGISED feeling , waking up excited and raring to go . It's new. I want to hold on to it. Make it last. I know it won't , but it is OK . 'My sun sets to rise again ' hehehehe

Pressing 'SAVE '  now .. here we go  --- lol

Good morning blog and bladder

This morning's 21 minute stillness meditation with Panache has stilled my mind . 
Diecluttered. A blankness. Pleasant . Peaceful . 
I am happy the sun is shining and that I feel comfortable ..😃
Blessings 

Sometimes thoughts of  what lies ahead bother me , but then , why let them bother me now ?
Get a grip , woman !
Don't get bogged down with details.
Trust the process
All in good time .

Morning meditation .

Bright and sunny day . I am grateful. Slept well. Feeling comfortable . At the end of the day the catheter is very uncomfortable but sleep and horizontal rest eases and soothes . Grateful for ease and comfort.

" What part of your true self are you hiding from others? " 
Excellent question, Panache Desai  !  I wish I knew . Obviously there are things. Stuff. And , I wonder why this stuff remains hidden. I feel like an open book for those who are ready to read me and see me. 

I intend to be open and receptive to answers and clues .

Sometimes things are buried so deep inside

Where am I not being honest with myself  ?

What am I avoiding ?

Don't know ....

Pain

Sometimes I am so tired , I simply surrender to sleep and leave that list of 'things to do ' 

One regret yesterday

After the scans , the nurse told me to make sure I had something to eat before I left the hospital. I think this was because of the fasting - nil by mouth - and purging prior to the scans . The nurse also gave me an injection in my thigh 'to stop the inner organs moving around ' as they do .... and it was imperative that I remained completely still for the pictures . 

So , being a good girl , I stopped at the hospital cafe for lunch . Gratined potatoes and broccoli croquettes 85kr ( 9 Euros )   and I must say that this meal tasted FOUL ! 

What is worse , I ate it , most of it , partly because I was TOLD and partly because the stingy part of me says " Waste not want not " .YUK .  Big mistake . It took a good while to get the taste , the anger and the regret out of my system.

Hospital food is NOT healthy . 

2 scans yesterday

I haven't written about the two scans I had yesterday at Karolinska .
Will do that later .
HUGE machines they are and they and so noisy.
DUNK DUNK DUNK ....... rather like Shamanic drums

CUT THE CRAP !

Good morning Bladder Blog and friends

What a night !
I was on the call with Panache last night and ZAPPED by the intense energies of it all . In AWE of the intensity that came up and GRATEFUL to all beautiful souls who took part, shared and contributed.

BLESSED BE 21 days of Immersion  !

Panache Desai is truly and amazing Being . I have followed Panache for well over a year , read his book , listened to his webcasts , read his tweets and other sharings. Panache has inspired me to ne transparent through his own example . It is scary , but then this journey is not for the feint of heart . This journey requires guts . Panache has never disappointed me . For me he is the real deal and the messages he shares with us all resonates deeply with my truth .


At this stage , I am very  much concerned with " what is MY truth ? " What do I believe and value ?  What is important to me ? DISCERNMENT is vitally important for me now. *Livs viktig * , as they say in Swedish,   "Life important" . I shall continue to question everything that sounds dogmatic , including Panache , because TRUTH can stand up to questioning.

Yes .. CUT THE CRAP ... is the phrase that is guiding me right now .
Thank you , Thank you , Thank you  for so many BLESSINGS amid the bother .

Two leaks in one day

BOTHER !

 Two leaks today . In the morning , just before leaving home , discovered a leak in the urine bag. Never happened before.

 Around 2 pm , right after my ' shrinking ' appointment , thought I smelled pee and when I checked , sure enough the tube from the catheter had somehow detached itself and urine had leaked out onto my stomach and left thigh.

Ewwwwww

Wet patch on pants at the front but fortunately covered by my tunic .

Still, it felt very uncomfortable .
Good thing that I could go straight home to change clothes.

Bother and blessing


17° Mostly Sunny Hornsgatan , Stockholm,  Sweden

A full day

Alarm set 7:30 am
Dentist 10:00 am
Soaad asks  " how are you ? " and I burst into tears
Samira at vc was lovely
Examined my haemorrhoids and prescribed suppositories
Not free 

Note : In Sweden , ( correct me if I'm wrong ) haemorrhoid meds and incontinence pads are not free of charge.
Lovely chat with Gunilla over tea
R. called for a chat. Much appreciated . I am touched by his kindness and experience of years living with cancer .

Rashid called . Bless.
Emailed family and friends to tell them about my health issues .

I want to share. 

I want and need my friends now for support and encouragement. 

I apologise in advance for being clumsy and blurting things out. 

I won't always be politically correct .

As R. said so wisely the other day " Expect all kinds of reactions "

Anger, sadness, joy , humour .... I welcome all emotions . 

Fear is a tricky one , but I will learn to love and accept fear too as part of my journey.

After all , FEAR is only FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL 

There is a story 

Fear knocked on the door 

Love answered 

There was nobody there .

Selfie me , knackered at the end of the day

9° Mist and Fog
Hornsgatan ,Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden