Stream of consciousness .....getting things off my chest

I am so excited
Must get this down before I burst
Picture a balloon ... blowing ... inflating ... inflating and then letting go ... brrrrrzzzzzzzzzzz it whizzes around all over the place
That's me
Yesterday , pushing , struggling , forcing .... pushing the river and getting nowhere
Suffering
Dense emotions without labels
Remember Jan D story of pushing the car that won't start up the hill whereas Panache would simply get in the car , turn the key and off he goes
I can so relate to Jan's version
Pushing the river
That's me
My guarding angel standing beside me shaking her head  " Let her have this experience . She has to learn . Poor thing. It's the only way to learn . .... "
I was up until 3 a.m. last night
Tossing and turning .. drifting in and out of sleep
The gap between how I want things to be and how they are seems huge
*sighs*
I go on line and learn that my childhood friend has suddenly tragically lost his son .
The most devastating sad news any parent can have
Heartbreaking
We have not been in touch so I'd no idea .. but I feel so sorry for his loss.
Sadness
Grief
I've landed again in heaviness
I finally fall asleep
The moon , nearly full is shining into my room and energising my dreams
Something to do with 'tautas terpi ' - Latvian national costume . My past . The costume needs changing . Alterations to skirt and shirt .
Some friends are arriving - I place table mats and plates on the table . We need to talk
*sigh*
Return to the awareness of the breath
10 am this morning . Sun is shining . I wake up all excited . Happy even .
Something in me has SHIFTED  and it feels good
I rush to the loo
Check FB  and Ivar's comment pops up
I comment
Feeling like a whirling Dervish with ah ha moment popping like popcorn in me
Excitement
Energy ,,, strong energy hard to contain in my my body
Like an inflated balloon that has been released I whizz around in space until I land , deflated

Summing up :

- 3 positive things today:

-1. Woke up with an 'Ahaaa ' feeling. Lightbulb moments .A SHIFT .  Something has shifted in me.
2. Sun is still shining brightly 3. Excited and looking forward to what this day has to bring 

- My dream last night;  its messages from the subconscious about my Latvian costume past that needs to be reviewed. I no longer fit into that costume. I haven't kept up with that world.  A sense of loss , but it is  what it is. Something has to die for something to be born
- " If you want to effect substantial change in your life experience, you must think thoughts that feel different as you think them."- Abraham /Hicks
- I have been pushing the river
_ I love this ENERGISED feeling , waking up excited and raring to go . It's new. I want to hold on to it. Make it last. I know it won't , but it is OK . 'My sun sets to rise again ' hehehehe

Pressing 'SAVE '  now .. here we go  --- lol