Monday , Monday . The " in-between " days .

11.25 am , phone rings . It's Birgitta , my Kurator / Counsellor .
Normally, I would be up and about having breakfast at this hour , but today I was just about getting out of bed having been up till 3 am

I'd called Birgitta a couple of times before Christmas as I needed help with organising pre and post operation care, but there was no reply. Turns out that Birgitta had come down with the flu . She was most apologetic. As we talked and she explained the system I began once again to get in touch with my frustration , overwhelm and inability to express what I want and need. All the f-ing details that most people seem to know and take for granted but talking about all the f-ing details don't come easily to an impressionist like me. Tears . The ugly cry, that makes communication even more impossible but does illustrate more clearly my vulnerability , both physical and emotional . 

Since the last chemo , 9 /12  I have become more aware of the toll these treatments have had on my body . The wear and tear that makes itself apparent afterwards ; puffy eyes and face , aching joints and muscles in left thigh and leg , pins and needles in hands and feet , right knee ( old injury ) playing up and hurting , haemorrhoids  hurting and bleeding .  Sometimes it feels like my whole body is falling apart and there is very little I can do to stop it  IT IS ALL TOO MUCH ! 

Focusing on all that needs attention only seems to make it worse . I feel as if I am drowning, but on the other hand , how will people know if I don't tell them ? While talking to Birgitta , sitting on the edge of the bed, something in my right knee must have locked , because on getting up , my right leg was stiff and hurting and could hardly support me . Scary .

Anyway , my main worry is that my home should be prepared and ready BEFORE I go into hospital , but , bureaucracy says this is not possible and this will be done, efficiently , when I am in hospital and they see what my exact needs are . I still fail to see see how this will be possible as I will be less able to communicate my needs , all drugged up and in la la land the days after the op, less able to fend for my self and be clear about my needs.

What IS reassuring , is the fact that my own way of being and going with the flow , leaving things to the last minute seems to have worked quite well for me in the past . Birgitta reminds me to trust the process and my own built-in skills and resources . She seems to see them , but I don't. 

So, trust the process, Mara. Make a list and take then to the pre-op meeting on 7 January at KS  and then to meeting with Birgitta the next day , 8 January . 
Sounds like a cunning plan , doesn't it ? 

Christmas Eve to Boxing day

Crescent moon , Christmas Day 2014

Hiya blog and readers ,

22:44 Feels like I have been on a retreat these past three days. 

It's been a beautiful period of silence and reflection and being guided from one moment to the next. 

I have sent a lot of telepathic messages to friends and I hope I will get round to sending real messages soon . 

This afternoon , I did the laundry , baked bread and had a wonderful chinwag and sharing with a dear friend who happened to drop in and a Skype call with Dace 

Physically , the aches and pains in my left thigh are getting better every day . I think the muscles have been inflamed and rest and warmth of being indoors and hot baths has helped enormously.

Hair is still falling out and thinning , but I wearing a hat indoors and out helps.

The catheter is irritating me, some days more than others, but I keep reminding myself that without it , I'd be lost . Swimming naked in a warm Mediterranean sea is a blissful memory. Freedom taken for granted. 

  

BUT .... I LOVE LOVE LOVE this going with the flow and feel so blessed. 

Sunny Sunday Solstice

I love Solstice energies. Woke to a sunny Sunday with rainbows dancing around my room . A good start . 


Slept well and dreamt a lot . Among other things , in the dream I was being paid for cherry stones ! You know how you can get the deposit back on bottles and cans , well in the dream , I was paid for every cherry stone !  lol  Curiouser and curiouser as I speed down the rabbit hole lol xx

  

Logged on at 11:11 and felt uplifted by the rainbows dancing round my room. 

Happy Solstice , everyone !

It's VERY nippy outside , outside . Puddles are frozen.
I am walking very slowly and cautiously with the help of my stick , as every now and then the muscle in my left thigh and hip sort of gives way. 

I've resorted to Voltaren gel , three times a day . 

Aches and pains

Aches and pains in my joints and bones today so I am hobbling around feeling grumpy and sorry for myself , but it is quite bright and sunny outside for a a change  so I pain or no pain I am am going to venture out to see if a bit of exercise helps . The pain in my left hip and thigh is persistent. Nuisance. I  am hobbling along with the help of my stick 

Monica phones while I am having breakfast and tells me that she has spoken to the authorities that organise post operative care and that I will get the post op care that I need . I am moved to tears and really grateful that she has done this for me. I feel that a huge weight has been lift from m shoulders . It feels so good. I can relax .

8 hours of sleep , straight through

Eight hours of sleep , straight through.
Amazing
09:30 I am dressed and ready to tackle mundane things

It snowed yesterday and I can see that roof tops are still covered. Pavements are bound to be sloppy . Bloody nuisance !

Muscle in left hip has started to play up again , giving me grief and making me feel grumpy .... BUT .... that said I am also thankful for all the blessing in my life :
Champagne , flowers and chocolate with Christina last night , who also knows how the health care system works here and has given me a few tips which I have added to Monica's tips and advice.

I made dinner , fish baked in the oven served with roast parsnips, rice and sweet potato and a divine creamy sherry and veggie sauce . It was good , even though I say it myself ;-) Still some left for today 's dinner or lunch .

All this practical stuff is overwhelming and difficult for me , making the right phone calls to the right people , navigating the system and using the right words in Swedish. USCH !
An enormous  CHALLENGE

I don't think that people realise just how difficult and frustrating it is for me . I must set them straight. People are not mind readers .

Phoned Birgitta , my Kurator / Counsellor and left a message.

Bye for now xxx

Boosting my immune system

During chemo , I played by the rules , excluding all supplements since the oncologist said they might interfere with the treatments. Now that chemo is over and I have a month to go before the big op , I have decided to do what I can to boost my immune system by taking these supplements recommended to me by a healer and homeopath that I respect and trust . It is my Christmas treat. 

From : http://in2herbs.co.uk

Interesting that conventional medicine regards  homeopathic medicine as NOT affecting treatment . My personal experience from 25 years ago is that this is simply not true. I have had some very strong reactions from homeopathic medicines with symptoms flaring up and then disappearing as healing occurs . 

I am my own guinea pig 

Me and my wig

Hair is very thin on top , but not bald .

Wearing a wig takes some getting used to. It is like wearing a hat. I am always conscious that it might slip off or get blown away in the wind. I have been wearing it around the house and also outside shopping and at a party this weekend. 

Me and my wig .

Important information meeting at KS today : It takes guts !

My good friend Monica  and I were at KS  for two hours listening to the doctor/ surgeon and nurse who also answered practical medical details . 

Once again , it is a lot to take in , but I am feeling oddly calm , 

The operation will take 4-5 hours and will be done with the help of robots ( a robot machine operated by real , skilful , people ) 6 keyhole incisions plus 1 longer one , 4-10 days in hospital and 2 months convalescence . 

Looks like operation date will be 19 January 2015 

 An ileal conduit urinary diversion is a surgical technique usually referred to as the Bricker ileal conduit after its inventor, Eugene M. Bricker. It is a form of urostomy,^[1] and was developed during the 1940s and is still one of the most used techniques for the diversion of urine after a patient has had their bladder removed, due to its low complication rate and high patient satisfaction level. It is usually used in conjunction with radical cystectomy in order to control invasive bladder cancer.

To create an ileal conduit, the ureters are surgically resected from the bladder and a ureteroenteric anastomosis is made in order to drain the urine into a detached section of ileum (a part of the small intestine). The end of the ileum is then brought out through an opening (a stoma) in the abdominal wall. The urine is collected through a bag that attaches on the outside of the body over the stoma. The bag is changed every 3 to 5 days, or as directed by a stomal therapist. The risk of infection is actually quite small, but there is a high risk of stomal breakdown if not cared for correctly.

Sounds quite daunting , does it not ?
Yet , I feel calm and put it down to all the good vibes I have been receiving today.
What is the point of worrying ?
I would rather spend this month before the op , focussing on being happy and getting used to the idea, because I do believe, and experience has shown that ACCEPTANCE of what is , is key .

If you are reading this , please continue to send good vibes my way .
Thank you .
Love love love .........

THE SOUL SIGNATURE SERIES: Living Your Authentic Expression with Michael Bernard Beckwith

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/oURzTctx5DE


Sent from my iPad

Final chemo , 3:3

So tired after final chemo this afternoon It was a quick fix . Saline solution and Gemsar , taking about an hour

Atmosphere at the hospital was a bit nonchalant - not the  usual TLC that I 've become accustomed to .

Instead , nurse calls out my name and tells me to go along to room 2 -' I'll beright there ' she says .

Ok

By now know the drill , and get settled on my bed waiting to be hooked up to the meds-

Nurse asks the usual 'how have you been ? ' questions without really bothering to hear what I have to say . She inspects my arms ad decides on right arm , inside elbow as the safest bet . There are bruises everywhere on both arms from previous puncturing .

That done , I am all hooked up to the meds and monitor. nurse leaves and I close my eyes and drift off into partial sleep .

After half an hour or so, the monitor alarm goes off so I press my red alarm button expecting people to come running but nobody comes.


10 minutes  later still nobody and the alarm sound is making me nervous
I catch the attention of a passer by who promises he'll find my nurse
When Maria  finally arrives she tells me she was  distracted her way there.

A few more minutes and  i'm unhooked ready to go home .
The first bus is full and so is the second one.
At home I grab a banana and then make myself a cheese and tomato sandwich ... and then another one , followed by orange juice and then a glass of hot water followed by another glass of hot water as I am very thirsty and very tired.

Bath, relax and now for a nap
Peace zzzzzzzz

Wednesday , After chemo 3:2 , appetite for food .

Tuesday's chemo 3:2 was a quickie , just 1 hour , once we got going . I'd arrived in good time so waited patiently for 45 minutes  in the waiting room , avd 22, waiting for my turn. I don't mind waiting and drifted into a reverie watching a nature film on the TV screen opposite me. One after the other people got called in and disappeared with their nurse and I was still there . So, I checked. Turned out that nurse thought I was down for 14:30 not 14:00 and apologised. All's well after all.
Finding the vein went well too, but hurt more since she had to find a spot near my wrist and not take the nice vein in my elbow.

The hour passed by quickly.  Had a sandwich while waiting for the Gemsar to drip in. Nurse told me that my bloods were looking good and the platelet count was 450 + also good. YAY !

Took the bus home .

At home more food .
Started with freshly squeezed grapefruit juice
My stomach is a bottomless pit- this might curb the hunger .
My appetite for food that I like is INSATIABLE .
Even when I am full I want more .
What is this all about? I ask myself as I scoff my broccoli and mushroom pasta down..... with gusto !
craving more more more .
Tasted SO good.
Don't most cancer patients LOSE appetite and weight ? Not me .
Don't remember what I had after the pasta , but later on had a few ginger nut biscuits with a a couple of squares of dark 85% chocolate and tea .
Mmmmmmm

Did I have anything else to eat after that ?
Don't remember
Have blotted it out , deleted from memory and conscience
A few glasses of hot water , while watching Emmerdale and Holby city .
Television is full of references to food - subconsciously , I am affected , pulled in - but not by the nice  glasses of wine being poured that look so good, but no, not tempted . Eye candy only . Thankful for that !

13: 52 As I look to of the window I can see a little blue sky and fluffy clouds just before sunset. Nice

Dressing gown day has been devoted to downloading MP3's onto my iPad , tidying and organising stuff on my computer, iPad and iPhone and listening to calls that I've missed  Catching up. Restarting the computer cos I can't get things to sync and behave how I want them to. Control issues . *sighs* Would be great to be a techie whiz and just sort things out . A genie in the bottle - rub bottle and techie computer whizz appears " your wish is my command "

Bread dough is rising
Plan to make a chocolate cake too


Back feels fine apart from when I try to get up out of bed or out of my seat
Haven't taken painkillers

All for now ....TTFN.

Feeling wear and tear after two cycles of chemo and chemo 3:1

So far , I've completed two cycles of chemo and started the last and final cycle last Tuesday . 7  treatments, two to go. One tomorrow and then another one after that the following Tuesday.
 
It's beginning to get me down . Yep , knocked back yesterday, literally , falling flat on my back Slipped and fell flat on my back on wet laundry room floor.

OUCH !!
It was scary .
Winded me .

Fortunately I could get up and walk , but for a moment I thought I'd be stuck there unable to move until someone came to rescue me. I am feeling stiff and left arm is bruised adding to bruises from the multiple blood tests and attempts to find a suitable vein for chemo treatment last week.

Many emotions surfacing:  Irritation, anger , sadness , fear , apprehension - a right cocktail of energies in motion. Instability .

Yep , won't lie to you . Two cycles of chemo are beginning to wear me down.

Could do with an extra energy boost.
Feeling both fragile and strong.

Trying not to THINK too much and spin stories about what is happening and why but intending to FEEL and BREATHE  allowing the energies to flow .

Would appreciate extra love and good vibes.

Apart from that - I have consoled myself by scoffing down a LARGE sushi.

Here comes the sun .....

WONDERFUL to wake up to sunlight streaming in through the window .
It's been a while !
What a difference it makes to my mood.

A whole week has whizzed by dealing with pests .

Time flies when you are having fun - or when you have something to obsess about.
I've been slightly OCD about the infestation of meal moths in my kitchen cupboard that must have stowed away in an organic eco friendly bag of flour or cereal . Pesky little things causing a lot of bother.  I've thrown away open bags of flour , cereal, couscous, bulgur and oats as well as anything else that has shown signs of contamination , such as eggs or silver like threads of cocoon around the edges of packaging . I've scrubbed , vacuumed , steamed , and disinfected and still they appeared on the ceiling and in the cupboard  seemingly able to hide away in the tiniest of spaces.

On Friday , or was it Saturday , I can't remember I decided it was time for the heavy artillery and sprayed the whole cupboard , adjoining cupboard and above the cupboard with deadly pest control spray; very stinky. By Sunday I found a couple of dead bodies in the cupboard and a few dazed ones. On Monday also a couple . Today . none . Fingers crossed , I hope this is the end of the pesky intruders . We  shall see. I am going to be vigilant .

What a way to spend my 'week off '  in-between chemos. Cycle 3 , starts on Tuesday 25 November and before that an appointment with the oncologist to discuss MRI results.

All this physical activity and cleaning has been exhausting . I slept from midnight till 11 am this morning , with stressful dreams. In my dream I 'm  in a railway station in London trying to find the  right platform . I also need a ticket , but they've changed the system so now you can only buy a ticket outside the station in a shop across the street . It is unclear where. At one point someone tells me the right platform and we start running towards it , but it is too late , The train is already leaving the station.

There is not much difference between day and night . Days are dark, grey and misty. By  2 or 3 pm it is already dark . Waking up at 11 am means that the three hours of 'daylight' disappear rapidly while I am waking up , getting dressed and having breakfast / brunch .

So there you have it,

Today I made scones ; old friend visiting from Helsinki popped in for tea.
Luverly-

Now nearly 11 pm , *time for bed, said Zebedee .... as they all got on the Magic Roundabout *

Onwards ......

TTFN for now !

Stillness . A dressing-gown day .

When I opened my eyes this morning it was 8 am . Then it was 10 am . Now 6 pm . Where did the time go ? 

Note to self : Splash water on your face when it is time to wake up .

Ok .... 

When I opened my eyes I spent time reviewing things in my mind . Things that had happened yesterday and perhaps during the night , Thoughts . Landing in my body. Then morning hygiene rituals. It all takes time , especially when I move in the rhythm of my soul. 

I am overwhelmed by the ABUNDANCE that surrounds me : things, thoughts, emotions , inspiration and information coming my my way. It is all good . It comes from social media and above / within . It comes from all around me. I have asked for this and yet when it arrives and I become aware of it - part of me cries ‘whoooooah ..enough .... too much ‘ . I need to be discerning. 

YES - NO - NO FOR NOW .

Today I released while writing to someone that THE POINT OF POWER IS  TRULY IN THE NOW . ... and REST IN THE AWARENESS OF THE BREATH ... is where PRESENCE lies . MIND and HEART and SOUL we / I need them ALL  

In this world we live in DUALITY , but there is another dimensions that is important in the journey of duality . 
We need to hold them BOTH , but HOW ?  
Therein lies the challenge .

Discernment in the NOW 

Does it resonate with what is true and honest and authentic for ME ?  ( Others have their own journeys and beliefs that are right and perfect for them ) 

BODY  leaking past catheter a bit more than usual ; body a bit shaky , heart beating a little faster than usual , probably the cortisone .
FEELING peaceful, inspired  
MIND - thoughts a little hyper 
SPIRIT- is guiding me 

Check 

Today after chemo 2:3 ( last of three in second cycle ) I've given myself permission to have a dressing-gown day and pottering around. Among things I've done , in no particular order ; watered plants , done dishes made and had breakfast , phoned  my contact nurse to talk about plans , had some crisps while watching a film , made and had lunch , boiled Beluga lentils to use later, 
made and drunk several cups of green tea , checked mail and FB posts, and interacted on social media . 

Beauty is always welcome.
The colours , textures and the colibri are eye candy for my body and soul .

“Going nowhere … isn’t about turning your back on the world;
it’s about stepping away now and then so that you can see the world more clearly and love it more deeply.”
Leonard Cohen

The Art of Stillness !!!

Tuesday 11/11 . Chemo 2:3

Today's chemo was at 2 pm and not early in the morning, thank goodness

Before that , an appointment with my counsellor .

Alex and family are off to NY to visit Roberto and family and then on well needed holiday ,  13 December - 15 December ,  which means that if my operation is brought forward they won't be around.  IF , it is brought forward . However , if the tumour is responding well to treatment, then  I will be having the third cycle of chemo , and a rest before  the operation which will be in January next year and we should be ok . So , my counsellor suggested I take all  this up with my oncology nurse so that she is in the picture and she can also alert my doctor who in turn should be in the know as she is part of  'The Team ' who are looking after me. Fingers crossed that everything runs smoothly.

I received saline solution cortisone IV   and Gemsar yesterday. The nurse started with the vein in my left arm , but didn't quite get it right so had to take the right arm instead . Apart from that and a bruise , everything went smoothly and I was ready to go home around 4 pm .

Leisurely evening :
Dinner : mashed potato and home made coleslaw , nom nom , big glass of orange juice and few clementines
 'Vanity Fair ' on Netflix
Emmerdale
and
Holby city

Oprah and Deepak Chopra meditation before bed
Ommmmmmmmmmm zzzzzzzzzzz

Now I have a week off !

Is it Sunday already ?

Good 'moaning' ! 

Is it Sunday already ?

 

This really is the season for hibernating. I have to force myself to go out in to the dark misty dampness that surrounds everything these days and permeates into bones. 

 

Stiffness. 

Lower back pain . 

Usch ... what's that all about ?

" Fear or money . Lack of financial support " says Louise Hay

So today I am AFFIRMING : 

I trust the process of life . All I need is always taken care of. I am safe  There . That should fix it  ! 

In other news , it is Father's Day , here in Sweden .

 

Happy Father's Day , Pappa Alexander 

Early start again : MRT scan tomorrow .

"  Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), nuclear magnetic resonance imaging(NMRI), or magnetic resonance tomography (MRT) is a medical imaging technique used in radiology to investigate the anatomy and physiology of the body in both health and disease. MRI scanners use strong magnetic fields and radiowaves to form images of the body. The technique is widely used in hospitals for medical diagnosis, staging of disease and for follow-up without exposure to ionising radiation. "

The machine looks like this 

They call it MRT here in Sweden and tomorrow I am going to have two scans , in two different machines . The first one for thorax, upper body 08:20 and the second one , lower body at 8:50 .
Both huge machines , but the second one makes more thumping sounds , a bit like shamanic drums .


So , I'm having to set the alarm for 5 a.m. so that I can have an enema and proper cleanse .


So , night night blog
Night night readers of blog .

Wednesday . Day after chemo 2;2 . Bread, ginger nuts , meditation

Good afternoon , Blog, Bladder and Buddies :-)

It's a dull , grey , damp and misty day here.

Slept well and woke around 8 am taking time to linger in bed and wake up slowly. Decided last night that this would be a dressing gown day of BE-ING and pottering around , but in the end got dressed in orange , yellow and green autumn colours , with my long woollen knitted socks from Riga on my feet.

BODY :
Washed hair , which is still thinning out, scalp is tender in places , so decided to massage in some Bio Oil .

I'm leaking urine a little , so wearing Tena Lady incontinence pads . Have had to change knickers a couple of times during the course of the morning, to deal with the damp. Wonder if this is normal and why it is happening and if it is something I will have to learn to live with , or if it is temporary and just something to get used to and put up with for a while . Otherwise urine is clear . No pain . No blood and haemorrhoids also feel fine . YAY :-)

My stomach is a bottomless pit and when I decide what to eat , it always tastes good and I find myself scoffing it all down too quickly and greedily . Pace yourself , girl ! Savour , chew and enjoy. Today , couple of slices of home made bread , boiled egg mixed with mayonnaise , banana and citrus green tea as well as a slice of freshly baked bread as it came out of the oven and one ginger nut biscuit. - also  made this morning . Scent of ginger , lilies , bread and tea pervade my home and space today . Divine sensual pleasures .

FEELING :  content. relaxed, a bit weak and dithery , shaky , light , empty in a good way ; spacious . dreamy

MIND and SPIRIT :

Listened to Day 3 of Oprah and Deepak's  meditation challenge :

Day 3 — The Source and Goal of Desire

Your true self is not only the beginning of desire, it is also the end, or fulfillment, of desire. This infinite potential, energy, and intelligence of unbounded consciousness is the real energy of attraction. Today we will discover that we don’t need to do anything, or go anywhere to access the energy of attraction. It is our own true self.

In today’s meditation, we will awaken this energy of attraction within, and harness its power to bring our desires to fulfillment. This activation of desire at its source sets the direction for our thoughts and actions to lead it toward its actualization. Attaining the goal of our desires brings an inner fulfillment and contentment that returns us again to our silent source of awareness. 

Our centering thought for today is:

My true self contains every possibility.

Day 3

The Source and Goal of Desire

CENTERING THOUGHT

My true self contains every possibility.

SANSKRIT MANTRA

Ananta Swa Bhava

My Being is without beginning or end. 

BEAUTIFUL

xxx

Chemo Day 2:2 ( Gemsar )

Arrived at hospital and was sent up to ave 22 ( dept 22 )

'There'll be a delay'  they tell me

I'm hot and sticky from the walk and bus ride to the hospital , grumbling about having to get up so early grrr ( THAT is the real suffering for me GETTING UP EARLY grrrrr ) but strangely happy and giggly inside listening to my own grumbles and Panache 's jump start mp3 on iPhone

Good moaning everyone x

Night before chemo 2:2

4am : discovered Eckhart Tolle TV .

He is so wise and spot on.

Very interesting video clips where Eckhart Tolle answers questions from people who have written in. The one I watched was about cancer.

"Illness can open the doorway to awakening."

Sooooo true xx 💕

Busy , social Halloween / All Saints day weekend

Friday :


Oh.. and a really laid back, ultra relaxed lovely Friday evening with the family


Everyone tired after a full week.

Madonna's favourite champers , toast skagen starters .

Alex's scrumptious Asian salmon,  Celebrating births, giving birth , operations , healing treatments and surviving challenges ,

Rolling with the punches.

It's all good.


Saturday :  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skogskyrkogården

Keeping up with our tradition of over 20 years , Kjell and I made our annual trip out to the woodland cemetery , Skogskyrkogården outside of Stockholm . http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skogskyrkogården to light candles on the graves of departed loved ones . Rain , drizzle , damp , crowded tunnelbana stations, families , children and dogs and organ music in the chapel where Stillness speaks .Memories of departed love ones come and say a fleeting hello . Everyone seemed just fine in their present realms.   Feels good to know 

Afterwards a sumptuous dinner with Kjell and Pether in their lovely cosy candlelit home .

Always a great treat .
Thank you , darlings xxx


Sunday :

Cream tea for Anna-Stina , with sandwiches, scones , jam and homemade ginger biscuits.
We chat and catch up for a few hours and the lovely lilies spread their heady scent through my candlelit home

Lovely

Monday :
Hospital for pre-chemo blood tests
Laundry
Lunch and then Johanna and grandsons pop in for a lovely visit .

It had to happen . I did a dandelion , as the French say ; I had a pis -en- lit

It had to happen sooner of later . BUT ... I was prepared 

First night back from the hospital , I slept really well in my own bed but rose at dawn in a wet bed and wet nighty ;-)  LOL . 

Good job I was prepared and had protected the mattress  

I was trying a technique used at the hospital , attaching night bag of the catheter onto day bag of catheter. Now , the only problem is , that when the day bag gets too full it it detaches from 'source' and lo and behold wetness ! 

Good job I have a laundry time .Now I am busy busy busy bee 

Back home again

Back home now. 

Came home on the bus . Amazing , isn't it ? Quite proud of myself really . 

Stopped by at the hospital pharmacy to pick up a prescription 'to soothe the lining of the stomach ' . OMPEPRAZOL  PENSA 20 mg one a in the morning for 7 days during the first week of a cycle. 

BETAPRED . 0,5 mg 16 tiny pills in the morning , day 2, then 16 and then 8 .

The drugs that they are pumping into me target the bad guys but unfortunately also take out some of the good guys. Restoring harmony within seems to be a tricky business. They seem to take pride in getting the alchemy just right. Inspiring . what can you do but trust the process ??? 

Not trusting the process seems to be a more difficult option but, I think it pays to ask questions and check .

The body is good at recovering too . Last week my platelets were down to 70 , now they are over 200. Doctor Johan explained that if a healthy person were to take a plethora of tests , some , perhaps 25%  r more would be considered to be below par ... but ... good news is that they are constantly changing and recovering to restore harmony and we have to see THE BIG PICTURE .


How do I feel ?  I feel like I am suffering from jet lag !

They call this a "Christmas Tree"

Gemsar and cisplatin plus other stuff designed to flush out stuff that is not needed . The bag in red contains light sensitive chemicals . All the bags and bottles are attached to a computer which is set to regulate the flow. Some take and hour , some half an hour. All the bottles have to be done in a certain order and monitored by staff and the computer . If the computer starts to make funny noises , I press a red alert button and they all come running and start checking the equipment and pressing buttons on the computer. All one does as a patient is be patient , lie back and think of the empire or other more pleasant things , like catching up with events on social media or daydreaming or chatting to visitors or anyone who happens to be there.  One trust s the process and the staff seem to enjoy a good chat in passing, It doesn't hurt .

My week off ends tomorrow and second cycle of chemo begins

It was good to have a week off . It was filled with visits from friends and family. I have learned that The Universe abhors a vacuum , so when I leave a space , it always gets filled and it's always a surprise.

Today started early. A cold and dull day. By 10 am I was at the hospital leaving the usual blood tests before a chemo session. There were lots of people there so a bit of a wait and the a cup of tea and breakfast in the cafe. Brought my own sandwich with me this time , Went to check in at 11 and found that my counsellor ( Kurator ) and Oncology Doctor's appointment were both down for 2 pm . What to do with 3 hours to spare ? Decided to walk home ( exercise ) and then make my way back after lunch.

It was good to have my counsellor with me as I want her to know what is going on with me. The doctor told me that my platelet count was good and was up from 70 to over 200 . Excellent recovery after the dip. Results for the liver were down, but , since that sometimes happens after chemo , nothing to get het up about . Lungs, blood pressure , tummy were all fine. Fatigue is a side effect of the chemo the doc said . I am feeling very tired and finding it hard to think and focus . Had a nap when I got home , made something to eat and then another nap. Must also be the physical exercise; I walked home from the hospital. 

I've had a hot bath now , watched Emmerdale and now forced myself to blog. My mind's a blank . Great for meditation but less great for writing something that makes sense and describing what is going on.

Will set the alarm for 6 am now and go to bed .

Thank you for reading .
Night night all.,,, love and hugs  xxxx

Hemp Oil - High CBD - Available

 



So... what about this cbd oil ? 

A powerful healing agent that cures cancer cells ? 

Panache Desai - Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview

So .

Short hair day

Why wait till it's all gone ?

My hairdresser ,Gina , cut away most of the dead and dull hair.

It's never been quite this short before .

Letting go of more hair

Yep ... I'm really losing it.
Moulting
Clothes and pillow covered in hair .

Apparently , not only chemo can make hair fall out , so can autumn .

" ...and so can going on a diet or drinking too much tea

Read more:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2047601/Why-autumn-make-womens-hair-fall--going-diet-drinking-tea.html#ixzz3GnH0G8LA

I'm going to the hairdresser's tomorrow to get it all cut off...short .... not shaved .

Afternoon 'fika' - tea , buns and homemade bread

Today , Johanna , Elliot and 5 week old Rufus stopped by for afternoon tea.
Elliot arrived first , having come up in the lift all on his own , carrying a bag of sticky cinnamon buns.
Mamma Johanna and Rufus followed suite ( it's a tiny old lift )
We polished off the sticky buns and some of my homemade bread , fresh out of the oven .
Rufus too had worked up quite an appetite and was fed till he had room for no more.

Thank you . You really brightened my day, darlings !

*mwaaaaaah*

Hair

Starting to lose it :-(

Sunday is turning out to be a dumping day .

I can see a pattern forming.
Sundays start with several visits to the loo and then diarrhoea .
Dumping and purging all that is no longer needed.
Mind you , it is all quite a pain in the arse ... quite literally lol

Blessings

Touched by an Angel by Maya Angelou 

 cont:- Touched by an Angel by Maya Angelou

Neighbours Zach and Richard lend me their juicer 

Beetroot , carrot and orange cocktail 

Chances are, you’ve listened to others for too long.

Chances are, you’ve listened to others for too long. The more you listen to your inner voice, the more you can give yourself the love, kindness, and understanding that only you know you need. 

-- Louise Hay 

How am I feeling today ?

Woke up feeling quite happy today . 
I did dream last night , but all I can remember is that it was about writing a letter. If it is important it will pop up again. 

Funny thing this business of feelings. A whole day after the chemo on Tuesday , I can't say what I was feeling. Feeling a bit flat. Neutral. Void of feeling. Perhaps a little disappointed that I wasn't feeling anything special. I wonder if this is how psychopaths are. They can't feel emotions, can they ?  Maybe I was in touch with my inner psychopath or perhaps it was the chemo killing emotions ? Who knows. Thankfully it didn't last long .

My inner guidance guided me to Leonard Cohen and John Lennon . John Lennon 'Gimme some truth ... all I want is the truth '  felt so appropriate . 

“I'm sick and tired of hearing things

From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics

All I want is the truth

Just gimme some truth”

John Lennon  is addressing my inner state of mind , my density . Funny how it all works out. When I am unable to articulate in words what is going on , then I get guided to someone who can. Yesterday I started feeling a shift in my state of mind 

The first thing that hit me was the importance and need to commit to my experience as it IS Committing to WHAT IS instead of what I think it SHOULD be .Thank you Panache Desai 

I want HONESTY , I want the TRUTH , but maybe I can’t handle the truth ... yet ? 

I am aware that I am not being honest with myself , not authentic ( although the fact that I am writing this means perhaps , that I am being honest ) This is what I am feeling /thinking now given the information I have received.
Disappointed that " nothing seems to turning me on ",
Feeling flat .
Absence of highs and lows .
Breathing . Existing . Being. Not judging .

But here I am now , writing and expressing

Here's a TRUTH : 

“ COMMIT TO YOUR EXPERIENCE AS IT IS and NOT as YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE “ 

“

Be discerning , Mara 

“No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky dicky

Is gonna mother hubbard soft soap me

With just a pocketful of soap”

( love this bit ) 

How quickly moods change 

BODY :  The itching on belly, boobs , underarms and around top of thighs  is a nuisance, but bearable . I'm also losing a little more hair thank usual. Feeling less tired. 

MIND :  Active , but also still . 

Now for another cup of tea .

John Lennon - Gimme Some Truth (Lyrics)

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/aDDJeM5R4PM


Sent from my iPad

Primperan and Postafen

Fortunately , nausea has not been a problem so far and long may it stay that way.

Having said that , I do remember that on days 1 - 3 , I was given some cortisone which sent my mind racing while body was relaxed and limp. 

These two , Primperan and Postafen were given to me in case of nausea , but I've not needed to take them. 

Primperan , 10mg - not when I have diarrhoea 

Postafen , 25 mg for nausea after chemo

Slept well last night from midnight till 08:30 and spent morning philosophising , waking up , being in silence and Facebooking. In short , following my bliss .

Brunch 12 noon 

On to me second cuppa tea now :-) 

love love love .............

Listen to your body ( louise hay )

Let’s affirm: I listen with love to my body’s messages. Love, 8 Ways to Listen for What Your Body Wants by Louise Hay, Ahlea Khadro and Heather Dane Intuition or your inner voice is there to support you in moving toward your highest good. While symptoms are just one way your body speaks to you, there are many other ways your body or your life could speak to you. Additionally, each person is different when it comes to how they get these signals. Here are some ways your inner guidance may signal you: Feelings Some people refer to them as “gut feelings,” or getting a “bad vibe” or a “good vibe.” You may not know what the feeling exactly is, though: it could be very vague, like something that just feels bad, uncomfortable, or “not right”; or wonderful, uplifting, or “right.” Emotions Similar to feelings are emotions, yet to some, they have subtle differences. You may experience an emotion that seems to come out of the blue. Perhaps you have thought of something or someone right before that emotion came up. Or maybe you walked into a place and felt the emotion. While emotions, like symptoms, feel as if they’re really ours, remember to check to see how this emotion is speaking to you. It may be telling you that something is or is not aligned to your greater good. Years ago, for instance, Heather was walking along and suddenly felt depressed. Her first thought was, I haven’t been depressed in years, so why am I feeling this way? As she tuned in, she realized that it was not her emotion—it had come from a woman she’d just passed, who was sitting on the porch and talking on the phone. Heather sensed some things about this woman and her life and sent her the energy of love. The depression immediately went away. At that point, Heather began to think about all the years she had depression, wondering what really belonged to her and what she was picking up from others. As you can see, if we don’t learn to tell the difference, we can be caught up in or hold on to emotions that are not ours. ESP Extra sensory perception is a category of intuitive abilities that includes telepathy (the ability to read people’s thoughts), clairvoyance (the ability to see what is happening somewhere else), precognition (the ability to predict the future), retrocognition (the ability to see things that happened in the past), psychometry (the ability to touch something and pick up information), and mediumship (the ability to channel spirits).1 Symptoms This could be any physical sensation, such as tingling, chills, fatigue, energy, pain, “pit in the stomach,” aches, lightness, and so forth. One of the easier ways to notice this is to see how you feel when you’re with different types of people. Notice if you feel normal (that is, as you usually do), energized (or uplifted), or drained. If you consistently feel drained with certain people and you look more closely at how you feel about them, you may find that they are not right for you. Some teachers refer to these people as “energy vampires.” We like to think of them as not being aligned to what you need in your life. Thoughts Sometimes you may think of something and it’s actually your intuition guiding you. An example of this is when Heather first started recovering from bulimia, she would notice that she’d think of food when she wasn’t feeling physically hungry. She judged this as old, disordered eating behavior, as if she “could not stop thinking about food.” Within a week of watching her thoughts around this, she realized that within 30 minutes of having a thought about food, her blood sugar dropped so drastically that she was in blood-sugar emergency. At that point, her body was so hungry that it felt like no amount of food could solve the hunger. Overeating can be very common as a way to get the body back into comfortable balance when blood sugar has gotten too low. What was happening is that Heather’s digestive system hadn’t healed enough for her body to get the right signals of hunger at the right times. A bloating in her small intestine sent a signal of fullness when her stomach was actually hungry. What she realized is that her body was compensating for her digestive issues by using her thoughts to send the “time to eat!” signal. She began to eat when she’d think of food, and this worked beautifully until her digestive system healed. See, our bodies love us! When we judge the signals we’re getting as “wrong” or “bad,” we lose the opportunity to allow our bodies to guide us to better health. Words Louise has always been incredible at listening to the words people use and understanding how they play out in their thoughts and beliefs. She has seen the relationship between how they speak and how things happen in their lives. Listening to the words you use, along with the words other people use, is another way you may get an intuitive hit on what is working or not working for you. For example, do you find yourself saying things like “This is so hard,” “I can’t stand this,” “The body starts breaking down at the age of 40,” or “They’ll never accept me”? If you’re saying things like this, it may be time to look at your belief systems and see how you can change them so that you can love yourself more. So remember to use loving words—your body is listening. Listening to your words, using affirmations, and doing mirror work can help shift the thoughts you think and the words you use into more loving ones. Dreams For some people, signals come in dreams. Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that dreams tapped into the unconscious mind. According to some researchers, he may have been right. In one study, amnesiacs with no conscious memory of their past would have memories of their past when they dreamed. Studies like this have led scientists to believe that when dreaming, we are accessing parts of our brain that we don’t often use in our waking lives.2 If you’re unsure of what steps to take in your life, ask yourself before bed to have a dream about the next best step you can take. Another great way to work with your dreams is to write them down when you wake up and ask yourself what meaning they have for you. There are many books on dream interpretations that you can use if you want to learn more. At the same time, make sure you practice paying attention to these interpretations so that you can learn the language of your dreams. Patterns Some people get signals through recurring events: Perhaps someone tells you about a book they love, then two more people tell you about it. This kind of pattern could be a signal to check out the book. Or maybe you keep having the same experience over and over again, but in different situations. Notice the patterns that keep happening in your life, whether they’re circumstances that occur, things people keep telling you, or situations you keep finding yourself in. These are signals that can help you take action in your life. Footnotes: Harris, Tom. “How ESP Works.”HowStuffWorks.com. 3 Sept 2002. Web. 14 Feb 2014. Science Channel. “Are dreams a window into our unconscious?”Curiosity.com. n.d. Web. 23 Feb 2014. Loving Yourself to Great Health Find out more about Louise, Ahlea and Heather’s new book and get their 7-step guide on how to eat, think and love your way to great health as well as a free recipe for Vanilla Spice Ice Cream. If you order Loving Yourself to Great Health by November 30th, you also get 2 bonus gifts. More details »

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