Monday , Monday . The " in-between " days .

11.25 am , phone rings . It's Birgitta , my Kurator / Counsellor .
Normally, I would be up and about having breakfast at this hour , but today I was just about getting out of bed having been up till 3 am

I'd called Birgitta a couple of times before Christmas as I needed help with organising pre and post operation care, but there was no reply. Turns out that Birgitta had come down with the flu . She was most apologetic. As we talked and she explained the system I began once again to get in touch with my frustration , overwhelm and inability to express what I want and need. All the f-ing details that most people seem to know and take for granted but talking about all the f-ing details don't come easily to an impressionist like me. Tears . The ugly cry, that makes communication even more impossible but does illustrate more clearly my vulnerability , both physical and emotional . 

Since the last chemo , 9 /12  I have become more aware of the toll these treatments have had on my body . The wear and tear that makes itself apparent afterwards ; puffy eyes and face , aching joints and muscles in left thigh and leg , pins and needles in hands and feet , right knee ( old injury ) playing up and hurting , haemorrhoids  hurting and bleeding .  Sometimes it feels like my whole body is falling apart and there is very little I can do to stop it  IT IS ALL TOO MUCH ! 

Focusing on all that needs attention only seems to make it worse . I feel as if I am drowning, but on the other hand , how will people know if I don't tell them ? While talking to Birgitta , sitting on the edge of the bed, something in my right knee must have locked , because on getting up , my right leg was stiff and hurting and could hardly support me . Scary .

Anyway , my main worry is that my home should be prepared and ready BEFORE I go into hospital , but , bureaucracy says this is not possible and this will be done, efficiently , when I am in hospital and they see what my exact needs are . I still fail to see see how this will be possible as I will be less able to communicate my needs , all drugged up and in la la land the days after the op, less able to fend for my self and be clear about my needs.

What IS reassuring , is the fact that my own way of being and going with the flow , leaving things to the last minute seems to have worked quite well for me in the past . Birgitta reminds me to trust the process and my own built-in skills and resources . She seems to see them , but I don't. 

So, trust the process, Mara. Make a list and take then to the pre-op meeting on 7 January at KS  and then to meeting with Birgitta the next day , 8 January . 
Sounds like a cunning plan , doesn't it ?