There were a couple of dark days ...

There were a couple of dark days, but thanks to help and support from the medical staff and a session with the counsellor ,  they turned out to be just bumps in the road.

One  month after the big op , I was mobile .  I could take care of myself and daily hygiene , get out of bed, potter around , make meals , do my grocery shopping ,  go for short walks , meet friends and keep hospital appointments.

Nurses came daily to help me change my dressing. This was a MAJOR concern of mine - at one time I could not envisage taking care of things myself without assistance . 

At first I could manage the top part myself , so the nurse only need come twice a week on Tuesdays and Fridays to help me change the bottom part of my my dressing which is a bit fiddly.

Home help came  once a week for a couple of hours to do my laundry and basic cleaning. Bless. 

One day , while I was reclining on my bed and sipping tea , my helper , who looks 25 but has grown up children of 20 and 30 , stops for a chat . She asks me about my op and I wax on lyrically until she asks for a glass of water . It is then I notice that she is looking a bit pale and about to keel over  Oh dear ... too much detail . Sorry luv !! Xx

Hospital , stents removed , leaks and sushi

Yet another busy day . Taxi picked my sister and I  up at 8:30 am to take us to the hospital where I had an appointment to have the stents in my stoma removed and dressing changed. 

( The stents are like chords that go up the ureters to the kidneys and 30-40 cms ) I was told it wouldn't hurt and they would simply pull them out . Ok - i was sceptical . The nurse clipped the staple stitches and removed them all the while chatting in Swedish and English to my sister and me . And then suddenly I saw a wicked grin on her face as she was holding the two stents she'd whipped out while distracting me with talk LOL . Wicked lady. She was GOOD . 

After that we were given a cup of tea and I also had a large glass of water to drink as the wanted to see if things were flowing properly . And then we went home

Delicious sushi in the evening .

Shared my semla with Dace for dessert 

Dace skyped with hubby while I watched Emmerdale 

Drama around 10,30 pm when I noticed the stoma was leaking - urine seeping out from a loose part of the bottom disc. Decided to improvise taping padding around the leaks and wait for morning .

At times like this it is great to have someone around to share the drama and prevent panic . Everything was sorted out the next day on a return visit to the hospital where I was fixed up with an alternative solution . 

Dace and Penny

The day after I came home from hospital , Dace, my sister  from the U.K . came to stay for a week and the day be before she left for home , Penny, a dear old friend , also arrived from the U.K . Penny didn't stay with me , but popped in once a day for tea, a bite to eat and endless amazing and uplifting chats. 

These two weeks were a very special time in many ways and on so many different levels . I had not asked for this , but both ladies volunteered and wanted to do this. 

There's nothing quite like sharing stories and thoughts with friends you have known for years. It was an intense and heart warming , soulful time , that I shall always treasure. 

I've thanked both of you before , but I'll do it again .

Thank you. Thank you , Thank you - I love you !! 

Thank you dear friends

Thank you dear sweet friends for all love and blessings you have been sending my way.

I checked in at hospital this afternoon and they have been busy preparing me for the big operation tomorrow (20/1)

This is just to let you know that I am signing off and won't be back until afternoon on Wednesday 21/2. The operation takes 5 to 6 hours and I will be waking up slowly hooked up to machines and monitors that go 'PING'  before they wheel me back to my room on Wednesday 21/1

If you are curious and would like to know all the gory details , then  Google BRICKER - the chap who invented this procedure in the 50s  The surgeon uses robots for precision .

Until we speak again, know that I love you and thank you for loving me . All is well and all shall be well . ️Xxxx

Catching up before the big op on Tuesday

Hiya  Bladder Blog , friends and faithful readers ,

I've not forgotten you , it's just that for the past 3 weeks I have had other things on my mind.
It's felt like " Zombie Time "  days and nights flowing into one .

It all started the day before New Year's Even , when a tooth started to give me grief and pain .
An infected molar , lower left side.
Yet another challenge to keep me on my toes.
Not easy to find a dentist on New Year's Day, but I did find Folktandvården  2nd January." No appointments " they told me " just wait in the waiting room. We estimate it will take 3-4 hours "
I arrived at 2 pm and left at 9pm - a total of 7 hours.

Turns out that said molar tooth was infected .
Tooth was opened up , cleaned up a bit and antibiotics prescribed .
( Infection must heal before tooth can be root filled )


Two days of pain until antibiotics started to kick in and after some ringing around  finally found  another dentist and an appointment was made for root filling part 1 ,  5th January ,

The pre - op information  meeting was on the 7th January - HUGE amounts  of info to take in

Meeting with counsellor , Birgitta the following day on the 8th January

Root filling part 2 , 13th January

Root filling part 3 , 15th January  and a total bill of SEK 4,500

In between hospital visits and root filling, i did have nice visits from friends, laundry dates, recycling of paper , glass and plastic, food shopping, and checking family's flat . Daily chores made difficult by snow , blizzards , slush , ice and sleet . There were a couple of days I did not venture out , and slept all day.

Family  returned home from their travels on the morning of the 15th .
YAY ... hurray .. missed them so .
Had to hand over my set of keys as theirs were packed away somewhere in their luggage. hehehe
Never mind
Off I went to my root filling appointment leaving them to rest and unpack before being invited over for a visit , and showered with presents.

So that's it - we are practically up to date now .

Spent the weekend going around in circles , as I tend to do before a trip , gathering myself and also doing some clearing of emotional clutter .

Feeling apprehensive
Dreaming 'collage - like ' dreams and then forgetting them on waking
Sadness and some tears - energies in motion

Overnight bag is out ready to be packed tomorrow morning
Bills have been paid
I owe people emails - sorry
Experiencing overwhelm - some things on my 'to do list '  are going to have to be left to the universe .
I'm going to miss my computer

All for now -  can't think ........

Night night - may post again tomorrow before leaving for the hospital around 1:30 pm .
Checking in time is 2.30 pm
Operation is set for Tuesday , 20 January , probably early in the morning.

Wish me luck , and a graceful, pain free  transformation and healing .
It's been wonderful knowing you , darlings !
(((hugs )))))

Night night

Monday , Monday . The " in-between " days .

11.25 am , phone rings . It's Birgitta , my Kurator / Counsellor .
Normally, I would be up and about having breakfast at this hour , but today I was just about getting out of bed having been up till 3 am

I'd called Birgitta a couple of times before Christmas as I needed help with organising pre and post operation care, but there was no reply. Turns out that Birgitta had come down with the flu . She was most apologetic. As we talked and she explained the system I began once again to get in touch with my frustration , overwhelm and inability to express what I want and need. All the f-ing details that most people seem to know and take for granted but talking about all the f-ing details don't come easily to an impressionist like me. Tears . The ugly cry, that makes communication even more impossible but does illustrate more clearly my vulnerability , both physical and emotional . 

Since the last chemo , 9 /12  I have become more aware of the toll these treatments have had on my body . The wear and tear that makes itself apparent afterwards ; puffy eyes and face , aching joints and muscles in left thigh and leg , pins and needles in hands and feet , right knee ( old injury ) playing up and hurting , haemorrhoids  hurting and bleeding .  Sometimes it feels like my whole body is falling apart and there is very little I can do to stop it  IT IS ALL TOO MUCH ! 

Focusing on all that needs attention only seems to make it worse . I feel as if I am drowning, but on the other hand , how will people know if I don't tell them ? While talking to Birgitta , sitting on the edge of the bed, something in my right knee must have locked , because on getting up , my right leg was stiff and hurting and could hardly support me . Scary .

Anyway , my main worry is that my home should be prepared and ready BEFORE I go into hospital , but , bureaucracy says this is not possible and this will be done, efficiently , when I am in hospital and they see what my exact needs are . I still fail to see see how this will be possible as I will be less able to communicate my needs , all drugged up and in la la land the days after the op, less able to fend for my self and be clear about my needs.

What IS reassuring , is the fact that my own way of being and going with the flow , leaving things to the last minute seems to have worked quite well for me in the past . Birgitta reminds me to trust the process and my own built-in skills and resources . She seems to see them , but I don't. 

So, trust the process, Mara. Make a list and take then to the pre-op meeting on 7 January at KS  and then to meeting with Birgitta the next day , 8 January . 
Sounds like a cunning plan , doesn't it ? 

Christmas Eve to Boxing day

Crescent moon , Christmas Day 2014

Hiya blog and readers ,

22:44 Feels like I have been on a retreat these past three days. 

It's been a beautiful period of silence and reflection and being guided from one moment to the next. 

I have sent a lot of telepathic messages to friends and I hope I will get round to sending real messages soon . 

This afternoon , I did the laundry , baked bread and had a wonderful chinwag and sharing with a dear friend who happened to drop in and a Skype call with Dace 

Physically , the aches and pains in my left thigh are getting better every day . I think the muscles have been inflamed and rest and warmth of being indoors and hot baths has helped enormously.

Hair is still falling out and thinning , but I wearing a hat indoors and out helps.

The catheter is irritating me, some days more than others, but I keep reminding myself that without it , I'd be lost . Swimming naked in a warm Mediterranean sea is a blissful memory. Freedom taken for granted. 

  

BUT .... I LOVE LOVE LOVE this going with the flow and feel so blessed.