Dream : Visit to a wacky hotel

Dreams contain messages from our subconscious and can reveal our 'blind spots '


Dream 30/8 : F. and friends take me to visit a friend's hotel . Friend is gregarious eccentric wacky. She has turned a house into many rooms , different sizes .
"You can see Amy's room" she says .
It's tiny, but creatively furnished using every bit of space, but not worth £50 a night , The main room however is impressive . Huge fourposter bed right in the middle with elaborate icon panels in the headboard .
F says : we stayed several days in this room .
As she speaks , wacky people pass through and interact. T
he owner also shows us bit of "work" she has had done , and spreads her legs wide open to reveal a silver chain with a crystal or diamond at the end of it .

Looks like my catheter,  I think to myself . What's hers all about ?

Soon I feel that I have had enough and I want to leave but how am I going to get back ? Friends F & gang seem settled and reluctant to  leave .

Uplifting thoughts : A blanket of benevolence

" A blanket of benevolence "  I love this expression.

As I open my consciousness to tap unconditional love , I connect with new levels of spiritual power.

I see a blanket of benevolence covering the planet helping to transform Earth's consciousness from fear to love .

16° Partly Cloudy
Hornsgatan 94–98, Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden

Many messages this Friday

First contact with Maij , Oncology, appointment set at SÖS for 12/ 9 , 10 am to discuss alternatives

Asked Alex and G, J, L  to be there 'cos Monica can't .

16° Light Drizzle

Same day 3 letters arrive from Karolinska and SÖS scheduling tests and scans 

L.D from Karolinska calls to say that they've had a conference about me and that I should cancel the appointment 12 / 9

Maij , Onkology calls . Appointment , Huddinge to check kidney function 9/9
Will send remiss within 3 weeks

14° Heavy Showers
Brännkyrkagatan 79–91, Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden

Message to self  : be flexible , Mara . Bend like supple branches of a tree in the wind to avoid breaking :-) 

Eva from Urology calls

Eva  from urology , SÖS calls to say  ' no need for antibiotics ' urine sample was ok

16° Light Drizzle
Hornsgatan , Stockholm, Sweden

In the middle of the night

03:40 - 04:00 awake
Emptied 1400 ml out ( catheter night bag )
Thinking about the op
When will it be ?
Big op I could die

13° C Mostly Clear
Hornsgatan 94–98, Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden

Monica's notes ( Swedish )

Hej Mara!

Här kommer .mina anteckningar.

Du har en tumör i blåsan och för att bli botad måste du opereras.

Då den sitter i urinröret , vid blåshalsen, så är det svårt att behandla med den metod man vanligen tar till - som att skölja bort den eller skrapa. Dessa metoder kommer inte åt tumören där den sitter.

Istället måste man ta till en mer komplicerad metod som betyder att man ska ta bort både blåsan och urinröret. Dessa kommer att ersättas av en konstgjord blåsa och rör som man tillverkar av en bit av din tunntarm.

Operationen kommer att ske på Karlolinska för de är de som är experter på den här typen av besvär.

Det finns olika lösningar med blåsan och det kommer du att få höra mer om efter dina undersökningar. Du kan inte bestämma exakt vad du vill ha för variant utan du kommer att få välja på de varianter som passar din kropp och som man kommer fram till efter undersökningar du behöver göra.

En variant är att man kan leda ut urinen i en påse på magen. En annan att man kan tömma blåsan själv via en utgång i magen. .

Det är en stor operation och den kan göras med titthål eller som bukoperation. Vilket avgörs också av Karolinska. En operation av denna omfattning kräver lång återhämtning och vår resa till Firenze får vi göra i vår! :)

¤Innan operationen blir av kommer du att få cellgift för att krympa tumören för att hindra spridning. Det får du en, max två gånger och troligen på SöS. Du kommer inte att tappa håret men kanske må lite illa och känna av andra biverkningar. Man mår ok efter ca en vecka efter den behandlingen.

¤Du kommer att träffa en urolog och få mer information om operationen och diskutera vilken typ av blåsa du ska ha. (Karolinska)

¤Du kommer också att scanna hela kroppen, två typer av röntgen.

¤Njurarnas funktion kommer också att kollas.

I vilken ordning det sker kunde läkaren  ( Magnus Wijkström) inte säga. 

Diagnosen är urinblåsecancer.

Tumören har inte vuxit så djupt, den är väldigt liten, på mikroskopisk nivå, men den är aggressiv.

Han uttryckte att det är en tuff behandling och att det går att bota!

Hao La som man säger i Kina = Fullt frisk NU!

Tusen pussar och kramar Mara, finns här för dig, anytime!

Men jag har svårt att komma loss:

1-2 september då är jag på internat

5 sep förmiddag till 12.00 (kan i värsta fall boka av)

11 sept upptagen mellan 8-9.30 samt 13-16

15 sept upptagen från kl. 13.00

16 sept upptagen hela dagen.

You are an ANGEL , dearest Monica ! Thank you  xxxx

Test results of Cystoscopy TurB , 18 July , 2014

I have a tumour in the bladder which requires an operation. it is situated in the neck of the bladder , in the urethra and difficult to treat using methods  usually used which involve scrapping and flushing, so instead the plan is to take remove the bladder and urethra and reconstruct using a bit of my gut . The operation is planned to take place at Karolinska where they are experts in dealing with this kind of surgery . 

There are several bladder solutions available but nothing that can be decided at this stage . I get the impression the plan looks rather like a flow chart , if this ... then  that .....etc  To be decided as we go along. It might entail a bag on the stomach or self-catheterisation through the urethra . As I understand it , the new bladder will not be able to express urine as a bladder usually does.

Meetings, further tests and hospital appointments await . 

It is a big operation and can be done by key hole or abdominal surgery.  This is also to be decided by the team at Karolinska Hospital and involves a long convalescence period , but I hope to be fit to travel in the spring. 

Included in the treatment plan is one chemo before the operation as a precaution to shrink the tumour . The say I won’t lose hair and should feel ok after a week .

I have half a dozen tests lined up in the next couple of weeks . Appointments with urologists , CT scans , kidney checks .

Diagnosis : Urinary bladder cancer. 

The tumour hasn’t grown in so deep , It is microscopic but quite aggressive so they don’t want it to spread.

Tough treatment but curable .

Radiating compassion

From : Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra's Meditation challenge , Day 18 

“Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace.”

― Albert Schweitzer

Compassion from the soul level happens when we spiritually embrace another soul without reservation or judgment. Compassion validates people in a profound way . . . it is a deep heart connection that heals by overcoming the feeling of isolation and separation we all carry. When we offer compassion to another, we activate a connection that tremendously expands our sense of self, and in doing so, our happiness and sense of wellbeing grows as well.

As we explore the depths of our consciousness, we come closer to the essence of our shared humanity. This private journey of self-realization actually leads us to a most intimate compassion for all people. Our meditation today takes us to that inner space of universal compassion and joy.

A lot to think about . A lot to take in .

Appointment with the consultant to get the results of " Cystoscopy Tur B "  at SÖS  , Södersjukhuset, Stockholm, 18 July 2014

Letter from the hospital encouraged " Ask someone to accompany you to the meeting ". It's a standard letter. Should I be worried ? Of course I am, but surely it can't be that bad , after all it's nearly 6 weeks since the operation. If it was serious , they would have contacted me earlier , wouldn't they ?  I ask Monica, my soul sister  to go with me. Monica is really good at asking pertinent questions and details. 

The consultant , surgeon is seems nice. Friendly and approachable. 

He starts:  " How are you ?  or did he say " How are you feeling ? " I don't remember . I am . Feeling nervous and apprehensive . Monica has had to listen to my verbal diarrhoea  in the waiting room. 

" I hope you have good news for me , doctor " - I say 

" Mixed " he says .

( Gulp ) 

The night before test results

23:45 "Allow yourself to be loved "
comes to me in my meditation 

Doctor's appointment at Sös 11:15 to get results of tests 
Alarm woke me up 8 am and it's taken me an hour and half to get to this stage - more or less present and awake. 
Leave home in 45minutes to get there in time 
Meet Monica 11am front entrance.